I know I am not alone when I say I am very nervous about officially starting PT school tomorrow. With 5 classes looming ahead, which is probably two less than full-time programs (even though technically I’m still full-time), I am creating a schedule within my planner that will keep me on track with studying and keeping me on top of assignments.
This trimester I am taking gross anatomy I, applied anatomy I, physical therapy practice I, evidence informed practice I, and soft tissue manipulation I. I think I’ve purchased a total of 14 textbooks for these classes, which is mind-boggling. That in itself is a little intimidating because I can’t even imagine the amount of reading I’ll be doing. My English degree was absolutely nothing compared to this upcoming challenge.
I am most apprehensive about starting gross anatomy, as I’m sure many of my classmates are. With only 3 lecture tests for the whole trimester, there’s much more material to know and much more material that needs to be remembered. Not to mention during virtual orientation, the professors emphasized that gross anatomy would be hard. And all I could think about was, ‘What am I getting myself into?’
And we actually have midterms, which some of you might laugh at me for, but in undergrad and even during my prerequisites, I didn’t really have many midterms. It was just tests and a final. Some of my English classes had a midterm, but it wasn’t really a big deal.
It’s also tough because I have bipolar disorder type I, and I developed this thing in undergrad. It caused me to drop an entire semester, take a break, and then switch to a college that offered an online degree. It also caused me to be hospitalized during post-grad while getting my prerequisites done. And it’s not necessarily easier because I’ve been having issues with cyclical depression thanks to possible thyroid issues. I feel great now, and I’m hoping I’ll be on an even keel for quite some time.
In any case, during the orientation, we talked about a thing called grit, which is basically the amount of determination you have to get something done. What was a little discouraging to hear is that people with a mental illness, such as myself, statistically have lower levels of grit. I know there are outliers, and perhaps I am one. After all, even when I was hospitalized, I was determined to get out and finish chemistry and biology–and I did get A’s in both.
But four years is a long time in the world of mental illness since ANYTHING can happen. Academically, it might go fast. Getting my prerequisites done certainly flew by, but I can’t help but to be apprehensive about having some mental health crisis. After all, I found stability for three beautiful years and didn’t think I’d have an incident ever again. That incident then taught me that I can no longer be complacent. I cannot take stability for granted.
I am terrified. Almost a month ago I came out of a depressive episode that was threatening to take a turn for the worst (it usually does that when I’m rapid cycling, that I’ll get really bad and then come out of it). During that depressive episode, I didn’t care about anything. I didn’t get much done other than what I needed to get done, which I suppose one could argue is a feat in itself. Even so, my author life was almost nonexistent, and I didn’t workout much. I couldn’t even enjoy my husband’s month-long stay until he started his new job at another trucking company. I also didn’t care that I was starting PT school soon and whether I’d start or not based on the ten million things that still needed to be done.
So I suppose I’m primarily nervous because I know my health isn’t steady right now. My psychiatrist took my thyroid levels at the beginning of the year, and they were high, which made a lot of sense and explained many issues I’d be having, from weight gain that I cannot lose to bloat to excessively dry/frizzy hair to the cyclical depression and so on. I don’t want the depression to come back because I am such a naturally energic/driven person who enjoys school and looks forward to learning how to be the best physical therapist possible. I can’t truly enjoy all that depressed.
But I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time, right?